Clickbait 3

Here is more inanity from the sump-pump of the interwebs! The series continues. Don’t forget to look at Part 1 and Part 2!

Ah, the old Viking strategy. "Come with us in this longboat and get ye some concubines." "Arr, sounds good."

Ah, the old Viking strategy. “Come with us in this longboat and get ye some concubines.” “Arr, sounds good.”

4 of the regrets are the people touching her. The fifth is this picture.

4 of the regrets are the people touching her. The fifth is this picture.

"Manufacturers warning: KILLS blood pressure, not just reduces. May result in death, cessation of bodily function, passing beyond the veil. Consult your doctor to see if Arsenica is right for you."

“Manufacturers warning: KILLS blood pressure, not just reduces. May result in death, cessation of bodily function, passing beyond the veil. Consult your doctor to see if Arsenica is right for you.”

Multiply by 250,000. Easy.

Multiply by 250,000. Easy.

Step 1: Kidnap UFC fighter. Step 2: Euthanize UFC fighter. Now you have the body of a UFC fighter!

Step 1: Kidnap UFC fighter.
Step 2: Euthanize UFC fighter.
Now you have the body of a UFC fighter!

Holy crap, that guy was thirty 100 feet ago.

Holy crap, that guy was thirty 100 feet ago.

No, but we're great at causing headaches.

No, but we’re great at causing headaches.

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Clickbait 2

As a followup to this post, here’s more inanity from the sump-pump of the interwebs. Enjoy!

1000 miles to the gallon. Your hamster is riding in STYLE.

1000 miles to the gallon. Your hamster is riding in STYLE.

His nickname on the street is "Shoplifter."

His nickname on the street is “Shoplifter.”

A revolutionary system called "exercise." Shh. It's not yet available in stores.

A revolutionary system called “exercise.” Shh. It’s not yet available in stores.

Dang it. I really enjoyed my morning boxing with pink boxing gloves.

Dang it. I really enjoyed my morning boxing with pink boxing gloves.

If you flip your house upside down, they start paying YOU. Foolproof.

If you flip your house upside down, they start paying YOU. Foolproof.

They call it the "corset-in-a-capsule."  Also "tombstone-in-a-tablet."

They call it the “corset-in-a-capsule.”
Also “tombstone-in-a-tablet.”

And no more happiness! Be off with you.

And no more happiness! Be off with you.

Clickbait

This is a series I’ve been contemplating for a while. As I collect more material, there will be followup posts. I hope you enjoy it!

Eat six eggs at a time and you'll ALWAYS be beautiful.

Eat six eggs at a time and you’ll ALWAYS be beautiful.

Holding a tiny jellyfish turns you into a MAN'S man.

Holding a tiny jellyfish turns you into a MAN’S man.

Step 1: Buy egg Step 2: Open egg Step 3: Remove $100 from egg and pay mortgage.

Step 1: Buy egg
Step 2: Open egg
Step 3: Remove $100 from egg and pay mortgage.

One is if you wake up with an unexplained oxygen tube in your nose. That's the first tipoff.

One is if you wake up with an unexplained oxygen tube in your nose. That’s the first tipoff.

Tees are rarely used! Same for golf balls!! Who knew!!!

Tees are rarely used!
Same for golf balls!!
Who knew!!!

They sell personalized Honey Boo Boo's. I'd love to see that business model.

They sell personalized Honey Boo Boo’s.
I’d love to see that business model.

If it wasn't secret.  Funny how you knew the date like that.

If it wasn’t secret.
Funny how you knew the date like that.

It almost makes you wonder how they make a profit, those goodhearted capitalists. Heh.

It almost makes you wonder how they make a profit, those goodhearted capitalists.
Heh.

Conan the Barberarian

I eyed the hairdresser with a foreboding lurking in the back of my mind. She was large, and her arms and hands told of no little strength. Even more unnerving was that she was a student of hair design. If she had not yet learned the fine and gentle art of cutting hair, I was in for an experience. Cheap prices had lured me, a relatively poor college student, to the dirty and disorganized school of hair design nestled next to the tattoo parlor. The state of her own hair was no testament of consolation, either. The back of her head was bleach blonde, and the front hemisphere was her natural hispanic black. As I sat in the swiveling chair, she swathed me in a white tissue neckwrap and a black sheet, making me look like some sort of priest. At least, I was praying. Her meaty hand engulfed the clippers. She selected a garishly coloured blade guard and went for the kill.

The points of the guard clawed into my scalp. Escape was impossible, one powerful hand driving her shearing machine and the other clamped inexorably on my head, keeping it still. It wouldn’t have changed anything, though, even if I had broken her grip and wriggled free: her slash and burn method of cutting my hair laid waste to my follicles like Attila’s armies, no doubt, had razed the villages of Europe. Presumably the peasants were as piqued as I was. A biblical passage came floating by in my motionless misery. “My enemies have plowed upon my back: they make long their furrows…” If the Psalmist had only said ‘scalp,’ it would have been nearly right. The scalping stopped for a moment while she selected another garish blade guard. This time, she ground the clippers against my head, giving it enthusiastic amounts of wrist and muscle. It was as if she thought she could frighten the hair back under the skin, chase it away rather than cut it.

Finally, satisfied with my hair’s unconditional surrender and full retreat, Attila retired from the field in triumph. I looked in the mirror at my surprisingly bloodless hairdo, and the new and apparently permanent pained facial contortion that came as a free extra. Unswathed from my cleric’s garb (much sanctuary that brought me), I tottered to the front desk to pay. She swiped my card and then looked up at me expectantly. “And will you be leaving a tip today?”

I paused, and repressed some proletariat sentences vying for freedom of speech.

“No,” I said. “No, I don’t think so.”